Easing Separation Anxiety

Raising kids is a high-stakes responsibility, and in this age of social media and easy access to information about anything and everything, it’s so easy to get overwhelmed with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. As a sleep consultant, I see this all the time from parents whose children aren’t sleeping well.

Something else that tends to make us feel like we’re doing something wrong is when our child is struggling with separation anxiety. You know, that oh-so-challenging part of a child’s life when they start to panic whenever Mom’s not around. It can be hard on everyone if every time you have to set your baby down she screams bloody murder! Of course we don’t know exactly what our babies are thinking, but I just imagine it goes something like this...

• Hmmm. Mommy’s not in the room…

• Wait! Where did she go?!…

• Wherever she is, I really want to be there with her…

• Listen. Someone needs to make that happen or you can bet I will let you know how I feel about it!

And those ruckuses leave us, as parents, to wonder, “Am I doing something wrong?”

After all, a well-adjusted child should probably feel reasonably safe when they’re separated from their parents for a little while…right? I mean, Kelly from the office says her baby is perfectly content being left with her sitter, even overnight. And that one mom in your Facebook group said that her baby can play by herself for hours at a time, and actually takes her toys to her room to have a little ‘me’ time.”

Two things to keep in mind. First, never compare yourself, or your child, to the mothers and babies described in the parenting groups on social media. Much like everything else on Facebook and Instagram, these experiences are almost always conveyed through the rosiest of lenses. And second, separation anxiety is completely normal, expected, and a sign of a healthy attachment between parent and child.

So what is it, exactly?

Separation anxiety typically starts to occur around 6-8 months of age, when your little one starts to realize that things continue to exist, even when they’re not in sight. It’s a cognitive milestone known as “object permanence” which is defined as, “the understanding that objects continue to exist even when they cannot be observed.”

In other words, out of sight no longer means out of mind. So as your baby begins to grasp this concept, they realize that if you, their most favorite person in the whole world, are not there, you’re elsewhere. And, hey, wait a minute! If that’s the case, then you might not be coming back!

It’s kind of fascinating when you think about it, but it’s also a little heartbreaking. This realization, for a baby, can obviously be cause for full-blown panic. The thought of a parent leaving and not returning causes anxiety in most of the grown-ups I know, so you can hardly expect an infant to take it in stride.

So, that’s what happening in your little one’s brain when they suddenly start melting every time you leave the room. It’s normal, it’s natural, and it’s a sign that your little one is learning, and that they have a secure attachment to their parent. Which is awesome! But, as many of us know, it also means that leaving them with a sitter or dropping them off at day care can be an absolute horror show and can also make us feel like we’re destined be prisoners in our own homes… forever.

What we really want to know, or at least what I really wanted to know when it happened with my child, isn’t “What’s causing this?” What I wanted to know was, “How can I make it better?!” Well, the truth is, you probably wouldn’t want to if you could. I mean, really, wouldn’t you be just a little devastated if you left your child with a stranger and they were just completely fine with it? Like “Okay, bye Mom! See you at dinner! Don’t worry about me. You guys have fun!” I’m guessing that would actually be significantly more troubling than some tears and a few minutes of fussing. But we like to keep things at a happy medium, and if you’re struggling with a child who’s pitching a fit every time you try to set them down or leave on a quick errand, I’ve got some suggestions to take the edge off until this phase runs its course.

1. Lead by Example

Your little one follows your cues, so if you’re not willing to let her out of your sight, she probably, albeit unconsciously, feels like she’s not safe if you’re not in the room. So designate a room where she can explore a little and play without your direct supervision. It’s a small adjustment, but it will have a tremendous effect.

2. Don’t Avoid It

Learning about separation and reunion is an important milestone, so don’t just take the path of least resistance and stay with your child 24/7 until they’re seven years old. Let them know that it’s okay for them to get upset when you leave and reassure them that you’ll always come back when you do. If there are some tears around it, that’s alright. This is an important concept that they need to get on board with.

3. Start Slow

Once your little one has started to demonstrate the understanding that they’ll be spending some time with someone besides a parent, make it a short outing. Don’t plan on dinner and a movie or an overnighter for the first few attempts.

4. Start With Someone Familiar

Kids typically do a little better being left with a grandparent or family friend who they’ve already spent some time with, and who they’ve grown to trust a little, so call in a favor, put some wine in the fridge, and plan to spend at least an hour away from the house for the first few attempts.

5. Stick Around for a While

After your sitter, parent, friend, or whoever is watching your little one arrives, plan to hang around for a half hour or so. Seeing that this is someone you’re familiar with will go a long way in reassuring your child that they’re “good people” and worthy of their trust.

6. Face the Music

Many of us have, at least once, attempted to distract our toddlers and then sneak out the door without saying goodbye. After all, it’s the goodbye that provokes the reaction, right? But even if it provokes some tears, it’s important for your child to understand that you’re going to leave sometimes, and that you’ll be back when you say you will.

7. Establish a Routine

Much like bedtime, a solid, predictable goodbye routine helps your little one recognize and accept the situation. A set number of kisses and hugs, a memorable key phrase, and a clear indication of when you’ll be back should be just the right balance of short and reassuring.

8. Speak in Terms They’ll Understand

Instead of telling them how long you’ll be gone, tell them when you’ll be back in regards to their schedule. After nap time, before bed, after dinner, before bath time, and so on. Nothing is going to prevent your child from getting a little bit upset when you leave, (And as I said before, thank goodness for that, because if they didn’t, oh your poor mommy heart,) but you can definitely keep the fuss to a minimum.

9. Play Games

Playing games like peek-a-boo, or hiding a toy behind your back and making it reappear can help your baby develop this milestone. A baby who understands object permanence will be happy to see you when you uncover your face from behind your hands. They may even look for you behind your hands and eventually they will put their own hands on their face to play peek-a-boo with you. This may come after the one year mark, so don’t be alarmed if they don’t do it sooner.

An object permanence box like the one you’ll find in the Inspector Play Kit from lovevery will also help them build gross motor skills while learning that something can be there even when you can't see it.

Now, I should add here that these techniques are suggested for kids who are dealing with ordinary, everyday separation anxiety. There is also a condition called Separation Anxiety Disorder which is obviously more serious and warrants a trip to your pediatrician if you suspect your little one might be afflicted with it. But for run-of-the-mill fit-pitching when you try to leave the house for an hour or two, these tips should help you to remedy the problem.

Be consistent, supportive, assertive, and calm. Before too long, your child will understand the concept of you leaving and coming back. In fact, this concept will also come in handy when you start to leave them alone in high school. “I’m leaving for the night, but rest assured, I’m coming back. So you just remember that before you invite your rowdy friends over to tear up my house!”